Notes:

There is an insult toward Canadians in here; however, I do not believe that Canadians are weirdoes now, and I personally think your country is far superior to the stupid crapocracy I live in.

The Who Would You Kill? site, if you haven't heard of it, is a site where you can vote for who you would want to kill off in a whole bunch of TV shows. You can also describe how they get killed off, and that's just what I did, as you'll see from the following entries:

Lauren, from Judging Amy:

A couple of guys (named Dick and Thomas-Conrad) spread a nasty rumor about Maxine.

Maxine looks for Dick and T-C. She finds them, and is prepared to beat the [BLEEP]in crap out of them.

But then, THEN, just when you think this climax will happen, Lauren comes with a surprise. She says she did it (because Dick gave her $100 to say she did it).

Maxine BURSTS, with the Super Dyke Anger Mismanagement. Lauren flies through the air. Unreal. And like Zemfira Meftakhetdinova (champion skeet shooter), Thomas-Conrad points to the sky, and blasts away.

Needless to say, that is one dead Lauren. The CSI guys come and look for the body, but only find two large fragments, and about fifty smaller pieces.

Michelle, from Full House:

Michelle finds herself next to her clone on an airplane. Then two guys (named Dick and Thomas-Conrad) walk up to the twins. T-C pushes a button on a remote, and Michelle's clone explodes.

Dick says, Hey, let's throw this stupid twit out the window! So they throw Michelle out the window, and she gets impaled by the Transamerica Pyramid.

Oliver, from The Brady Bunch:

Oliver trips over a box in the house, spilling its contents onto the floor. He discovers what these contents are: Greg's stash of drugs. He takes a few pills (which turn out to be Ecstasy).

Oliver then bonds with the furnace. When it kicks on, he burns up like a rag soaked in gasoline.

And so, the Bradys celebrate while receiving the lesson that drugs are bad (mm'kay), and Greg flushes the rest of his stash.

Blair, from The Facts of Life:

Blair is at the fridge, pigging out, when Natalie, all 272.7 tons of her, comes running at her top speed of 90 miles an hour.

Blair doesn't even know what hit her. Natalie leaves a 10-foot hole in the wall, and crashes into a dump truck full of mud.

The next week, Natalie undergoes reconstructive surgery on her giant front end, and the show goes on, albeit without that candy-a$$ Blair.

Guy Smiley, from Sesame Street:

Dick and Thomas-Conrad end up at Sesame Street after the car they borrowed from Dick's cousin breaks down for the 30th time in two weeks.

They catch a glimpse of Guy Smiley, the ugly freak from Hell, and turn toward each other.

T-C lights a burning dart, and Dick shoots it at Guy Smiley with a crossbow. The ugly freak runs around in flames, and sets Elmo on fire.

When Big Bird puts out the fire, he discovers that "Oh my God, they killed Guy Smiley and Elmo! You bastards!"

Sara from CSI:

Using her stupid logic on a case, Sara finds out that for today, that set of abandoned railroad tracks isn't so abandoned.

Dick and Thomas-Conrad are transporting some giant rolls of hemp paper with an old GP-9 trailed by a wooden boxcar.

Sara is bent over, looking at some newfound evidence, when the train flattens her. The GP-9 leaves some grease on the evidence and ruins it.

When the rest of CSI finds out, they party and get fit-shaced.

As a result, the case is never solved, and Nick and Warrick get away with tying a midget to a rocket and launching the rocket into a hotel as the building was about to be demolished.

Randy, from Home Improvement:

Tim, despite Al's warnings, decides to lock a Yugo into fourth gear and replace the engine with a 2,500-horsepower nuclear-powered electric motor.

When Tim hits the switch, the car takes off like a rocket from Hell and splatters Randy.

It then rips Wilson's fence off and flies off one of the Tool Man's experimental ramps. The Yugo lands in Baghdad and explodes like a relatively small nuke, taking out Saddam and the rest of his nut-job cronies.

Eddie Haskell from Leave it to Beaver:

Apparently, Professor Genius and his friends Cheech, Chong, and Harry Potter confused Eddie with the annoying Dell twit.

Mysteriously, Eddie turned into a Compaq Presario. Even though he never saw such a thing before, Ward knew crap when he saw it, and threw the Presario into the river, where it turned back into Eddie, and Eddie drowned because he didn't know which way was up.

Spike, from Degrassi Jr. High:

Spike ends up having her baby in a school bathroom stall. That's interesting and all, you say, but it gets better.

The baby suddenly explodes, revealing a blue box with an antenna on it (which turns out to be some sort of transmitter). It makes a loud 2600Hz beep, and an innocent little Mack truck in the Montreal area transforms like one of the Transformers into Mr. Whoop-A$$.

Mr. Whoop-A$$ busts into Degrassi like a 350-pound football player into a paper wall. He then finds the dork who impregnated Spike and rips his head off. Then, THEN, just as you think the climax will happen, the Twins come with a surprise. Mr. Whoop-A$$ throws them into Lake Ontario.

Finally, the big a$$ 'bot BURSTS, with the Super Tim Taylor Crotch-Mounted CO2 Laser. Laser beams fly through the air. Unreal. And like Babe Ruth, he points to the ceiling, and blasts away.

Needless to say, that is one dead Spike. The area CSI's come to find the body, but only find a bunch of really tiny pieces. Apparently, Spike was absotively, posilutely vaporized. Or is that vapourised? Damn Canadians. What a bunch of weirdoes.

Grace, from Little House on the Prairie:

An expedition from an advanced civilization ends up in Walnut Grove when they run out of the vegetable oil used to power their trucks. One of the mechanics in the group discovers enough oil to get to Minneapolis, but ends up being found out by Grace.

The mechanic takes the oil and puts it in the main supply truck's storage and fuel tanks, and he gets beat up by several residents. Another guy on the expedition takes off in the truck and takes it to the camp.

Some of the members decide to plan some revenge on Grace, when Cassandra sets foot on the camp. The microsaurs (fairly small, sentient T-rex-like reptiles) smell a rat, and sign the team leader that there's a Cassandra in the camp. Two of the microsaurs (μsaurs) grab the little moron and rip her to shreds, partly for the food, and mostly for the thrill of the kill (and they like it more when their prey is named Cassandra ;-).

The same two microsaurs take off in their truck (the μsaur truck) that night and find Grace with their krypton headlights. She stands there like a dumbass as the truck hits her at the top speed of 45 mph. The blood flies like rain and the microsaurs stop the truck to lick the blood off it.

Walnut Grove attempts to take revenge, and several of their men end up as food for the expeditionary force. The force makes it to Minneapolis, where they get more vegetable oil and go back to where they came from. So I guess this is a happy ending :-)